December 14, 2009

too many times this year i have been broken down,

and i frankly can't handle it anymore.

i am not looking for a pity party.

i am just looking for happiness,

but failing to find it so far.

i might be on the right track now,

but i guess good things only come through learning/pain.

My faults, my flaws, my.. apology

so i definetly proved something to myself today.

i proved that i probably don't know how to say things right sometimes.

i would just love it if people knew how i felt.

i'm sorry if feelings were hurt,

i'm sorry if people were offended.

this wasn't supposed to be a stab at someone

this wasn't supposed to result in something like this

all i wanted was to just inform people of my feelings because i never really do.

i don't think people understand just how much i care about people.

i care about them so much that every action or everything they say affects me.

all i want is for the best for everybody.

i know it isn't possible to get everybody to listen to me,

because that would just be a miracle.

but i just wish that some would hear me out.

i've thus decided that i'm not going to be around that much anymore.

i have tried so hard to keep from breaking down but yet again, i've failed.

i'm losing people left and right and its just heartbreaking.

people changing, people losing hope in themselves, people becoming careless, people jumping the gun on words, people talking behind peoples backs, etc.

me saying this things does not mean in anyway i'm saying i'm more perfect than anyone.

i have had flaws, i have been apart of the well known teenage trait of talking behind peoples because i never thought things through.

but now realizing pain it causes people, not only by what has occured in my life but seeing it first hand, i want to put a stop to it right now.

for me anyways.

**i want to take the time to apologize for everything i have ever said behind anybody's back.

even though i know that i am not the only one with this fault,

i realized that this is a really bad habit for me, and i want it gone for good.

if you ever read this, this is to get it off my chest.

if it makes you mad, then i'm sorry from the bottom of my heart and i hope you can find it within you to forgive me.

J.E.M.-i'm sorry that i have talked behind your back before and said some nasty things. i regret it because i became somebody that i didn't want to become. everybody has their flaws and no one deserves to be chewed out, no matter how much somebody may disagree with their actions. i still remember childhood memories from 6th grade. all the fun times we've had since then. i just wish you the best with what ever the future has in store for you. again, i'm sorry.

S.E.G.- we have been through so much. i'm going to start out by saying that i'm sorry for talking behind you back. i didn't mean to ever hurt you or offend you. you are such a good person and you have such a great heart. i remember when we used to hang out and have sleepovers all the time. i remember when you used to talk about your horses non stop, and when we used to be tom boys. i remember when i would go to your house all the time, and we would run around your culdesac on our scooters. times that i will never forget.

C.S.H. (or S.C.H.)- i regret every moment from when we have lost our closeness as friends. i remember when we would talk on the phone every single day and always go to each other for advice, comfort, and just fun. i remember indian princesses, and every single great memory held within that time period. i remember hanging around at kari's house all the time and just having a great time. i can not believe that i let a guy get in the way of such an incredible friendship. nasty things have been passed between people and i regret everyday for becoming apart of the cycle.

S.L.- i have just recently become closer to you and i love that. you are such a loving person and you have such a compassionate heart. you always want the best for everybody and never want anyone to be unhappy. before i became close to you and knew you, i was apart of the vicious line of people talking about you. i can't believe that i would let myself do that because i didn't even know you and had no right to be saying any of those things.

E.G.H.N.- you are such an amazing, talented, beautiful person. we have been through so much together and we have shared so many memories that i thank god for everyday. i'm so glad that i have been blessed to get to know you. i have unfortunately become apart of people talking about you, and i still don't understand why i would say anything about you. i guess i was jealous of attention that you were getting and selfishly wanted some of it for myself. i know that that is incredibly stupid and i'm sorry. you mean so much to me and i would never, ever want to lose you as a friend ever.

K.T.P.- you and my friend is partly mine to blame on why is has become shattered. i would talk about how i thought it was because of your boyfriend and how you have changed so much. but i realized that that was all talk and all false. i was wrong to make assumptions without talking to you first. you are such an incredibly, talented person with so much heart. i really want to make it my mission to become closer to you again. i miss us, i miss how we used to be, and most of all, i miss my sister. please forgive me and try to have trust in me again as i prove myself.

D.K.D.- you are such a outgoing, full of life person. you have so much passion for things, that i can only wish i can have energy like that. i've made assumptions about you that are just rumors and not needed. i only have myself to blame for talking about you harshly, and i'm sorry. you have so much potential to be whatever you set yourself out to be and i just hope that you get all of what life offers to you.

J.S.- you are such a great friend. i am so blessed to have met you and am thankful for getting the chance to get to know you. you, like every single person above, have SO much potential to be who you want to be and i know you can do it if you set your mind to it. i can't believe that i have ever spoke bad things about you, but unfortunately my habit over took me. i am deeply sorry for everything. i can only pray that you forgive me for my bad actions.

now i leave you with this final word.

again, i'm sorry for everything.

i'm deeply hurt with pain i've caused others, and can only hope for forgiveness in return.

I love all of you.

December 5. 2009

i. am. done.

you are not with the pain you put me through.

i cared so much but all you do is disregard my feelings.

i am done with all of your bull.

stop acting innocent,

because i see right through your filthy lies.

November 29, 2009

So this past week has been nothing less than hectic.

Countless stupid choices made by people who you thought more of.

Not having the person that you care about by your side.

And just much more.. ugh.

I am just tired of being used.

I'm tired of all the nice things I do for people being taken advantage of.

I believe that I just care too much.

I'm not saying that that is a bad thing because God wants us to care for everybody, no matter who it is.

I just would love to be shown the appreciation that I show others.

I'm there for them when they need me, I listen to them when they are having trouble, and I give them advice on multiple occasions but in return what do I get?

Just a thanks.

Nothing more.

I've had a friend recently who made a decision to do something for herself for once in her life.

At first when she told me about this decision, I was confused and thought that she was only doing it selfishly and because of her boyfriend.

But then I came to realize the actual reason, and now I don't see that as such a bad idea.

I don't know if I have the guts to do something that drastic but I might have no other choice to get the respect that I deserve.

I suppose that we'll see what comes of 2010.

Needless to say, I am so ready to start over.

New surroundings, new people, new state, new everything.

There are a few people that I will miss a lot, and to those people, I love you with all of my heart.

You will never be forgotten.

(I love you, 10/5/08)

November 24, 2009

Wow, what a shame.

It is a real bummer that so many people that have really bright futures are just throwing it down the drain by making stuipid choices.

I just can't believe that the people I have grown up with, have all taken the turn for the worse.

They lie and say they are going to "take a break" to my face and then just continue doing it behind my back. It's pathetic.

Also, something that just needs to be brought out in the open.

Stop trying to act innocent towards me because I'm not buying it. I know everything, so just stop lying. Really trust me when I say that I know everything. Your lies and hypocricy are just getting old and you aren't fooling anybody.

I would love for you to realize this before its too late. You have such a bright future and it doesn't need to be thrown away for stupid "party favors".

doesn't feel appreciated.

at all.

the end.

I hate attention whores.
Also I hate when people never take your side ever.
People who don't act like they care about anybody and people that don't appreciate anybodies feelings...
They need to get over themselves.

I want to be the girl people wow over.

I want to stand out.

I want to be the girl that makes peoples eyes widen when she enters the room.

I want to be the one people run to and say how stunning you look today.

I want to be that girl..

September 20, 2009

you know what feeling i hate the most?

walking into a group of people, and feeling like they have been talking sbout you behind your back, or that they know nore about you then you want them too.

i hate that people do not give a crap about your feelings

and talk about your personal life to others as if it was their life story.

i do not tell many people things, and i do that for a reason.

maybe i need to reconsider who i tell things to now.

because obviously some can't just keep their mouths shut.

oh and before you judge me on what i do in life,

think twice.

what i do is none of your business unless it actually involves you.

oh and another thing,

those that think they know me.

are highly mistaken.

i'm much more complex to figure out.

[i promise]

August 23, 2009

Tomorrow starts a new school year.

Goodness..

mixed emotions on this but the main one would be happy actually.

(..i don't even know what my schedule is! ha, whatever.)

lately my head has been spinning.

i don't think i know exactly the pin point that caused this cycle but i believe that

it has something to do with the fact that sometimes i feel like i care

about people more than they care about me.

i don't know if i'm just going crazy but you just can't help how you feel sometimes.

ugh.

July 19, 2009

oh man.

long past two days.

shopping both days, what can be better than that.

i figured out my all time favorite store though..

urban outfitters

greatest place everr.

anyways,

i suppose a message i would love to get out to everyone at this moment is that...

if you really want to improve you maturity some, heres a bit of advice.

hows about not hating people that you don't even know? i mean seriously now.

what is the point of being mad at someone by how they appear on the outside when

you haven't even given them a chance to prove themselves?

what if you are missing out on knowing someone really spectacular?

also, another reason why it is stupid is because..

why hate someone for their past actions when YOU aren't even apart of it?!

that bitterness should only be between the people who are involved in the situation.

NOT ANYBODY ELSE.

and ESPECIALLY if the people who are involved in the situation, AND the ones who should be mad

have forgiven them and aren't even mad anymore..

so that would be a hint you know to...

not hold any stupid grudges against them since you weren't even involved.

and not hold back on people with your opinions if they weren't even asked of in the first place.

blah.

i'm out

peace

July 17, 2009

First post...

always the lamest.

Will definately get these more interesting later on.